Not the start I anticipated…

This blog was originally started to show a journey. My change from before to now. Growth and all that.

But I guess the beginning that I thought I would have, will have to be the middle, because now it seems I’m starting at the end…which coincidentally is the real beginning.

Most case studies show that codependency starts at home. Your upbringing, family, parents, friends, etc. This article gives a pretty good background on that.

So I’ll start at the beginning. My mom loved me the best way she could. There were things that left scars of course and have in their own way contributed to my codependency, but she is only part of the puzzle and not even a big part of it.

I don’t remember my father. All I remember is being 12 and him saying he was coming for a visit and never showing up. Might be the first time I allowed myself to get my hopes up so high that I got to watch the incredible aerial show they preformed on their way back down. Devastating was an understatement. I pushed on and disliked him passively as I got older, not thinking of him too much but annoyed when I did.

When I was around 19 my mom and I discussed it and she made it very clear what happened. I won’t go into detail here because that is her story to tell, not mine. But in summary, he did try to be apart of my life. So, I had to rethink this grudging animosity all over and say, maybe I should reach out and try to start a relationship.

I’ve been searching for 20 years.

I have frequently found people for others and felt that at some point I could fine tune it and find him. 3 years ago I did. He never responded. I actually became unavailable to respond to that chat and figured I was blocked.

Fast forward to a few days ago. I was looking up someone for a close friend. The urge to look again came up, so I did. Nothing on a background check. Went back to Facebook and there is an account I haven’t seen of his before, so I send a friend request.

He takes it.

So I send a message. Nothing. I send another more detailed one…. I’ve been looking for you, I’m your daughter.

He asks a ton of questions. We trade info back and forth for a few hours. Past info, new info. He says he loves me…I stare at the words like they are a UFO… you don’t know me… He says give him a call Sunday at 3. We traded numbers.

I called at 3…. voice mail

I called at 4…. voice mail

I called at 5…. voice mail

I called back today at 7… voice mail

I called back today at 8… voice mail

He hasn’t checked his messages. He hasn’t called back. And I’m trying not to feel like that Fresh Prince episode.

I told him the ball is in his court and when he is ready to give me a call. But even though I didn’t get my hopes up and didn’t have any expectations, I’m still left feeling hurt and disappointed.

And it all makes sense…

I’m feeling like why the men in my life reject me? Why don’t they want me? It brings up to me all the times I’ve tried to hard or over compensated to garner affection from men, maybe even some women. It’s a bit empty to be honest, this feeling is emptiness.

I have gone my whole life without having a stable relationship with a man in my life. I feel like I just opened a door that should have stayed closed.